And This of All My Hopes

France. Let’s be honest, I’m missing it alot lately. Here are faves from my france…..

I liked cafes in the middle of town and starting my mornings off with a baguette and strawberry jam. I liked this park in the middle of the town of Tours that I would walk through every morning on the way to school. I liked daily flower markets and Alice in Wonderland castles in the middle of the country. And, I liked that my first kiss was on the Seine River in Paris.

It is only June and it is so blazing HOT! I got up to run this morning at 6 with hopes that it would be cooler than later this morning, but it didn’t feel like it at all. I miss the days of running in 40 degree temps. I can run faster and longer in that weather. It was so hot and humid this morning I could barely stand it. Don’t get me wrong, I love running. I just hate running when it’s super hot. So, there you have it…my blog entry for today. A whine-fest. I will wake up again tomorrow and the next day and the next day with hopes that me getting up so early will somehow make it cooler for me out there, but even if it’s not I’ll still run cranky the entire way. Maybe I should just keep ice under my visor or something. Hmmm.

I like thunderstorms and rain.

Strong Texas storms and tornado warnings scare me, but at the same time I am obsessed with them. I like the adrenaline rush they give me. The moment an alarm goes off, I am watching the weather and the weather channel like some people watch Oprah. It is admittedly nerdy, but I like it nonetheless. I am fascinated by weather, cloud formation, you name it. I….am…..a……nerd.

I like France in the rain. There is nothing like a storm rolling through Paris. I want to go to there now.

I like this design idea…..framing books….genius. I will do this. Hmmm. What books should I frame?

And, I like (alot alot alot alot alot) Rachel, one of my YL girls who I am having lunch and pedicures with today. She is beautiful and crazy, and is finally learning to trust that Jesus loves her without condition (unlike the guys and friends in her life). I have known Rachel for a long time. She used to put up walls and run from vulnerability. It has been such a blessing to see Christ move in her heart, tear down those walls and love on her…and for her accept and trust that love. She will be a senior this year and I am excited to see God continue this stirring in her heart. Here is a fun pic of us from a concert this summer:

The last time I was here I was having one of my best weeks, thus the title of my last entry. My heart was full and happy until I got a phone call the day after my last post. I remember I was sitting on my red couch when the call came. My grandpa was unconscious after choking on his dinner alone in his nursing home room. I knew that this type of call would come eventually with my grandparents (after all my grandpa was 92), but I was not anticipating the suddenness of it all. I also had never come face to face with this reality. Even after the phone call, I didn’t believe that it was real and knew that my grandpa would wake up. Still, I could not fight the stream of tears and loud sobbing that followed. My heart that was once so happy and full was falling apart…each part numbing more and more as time passed. In all of my life and moving around from country to country, I had never felt this kind of pain. No one could comfort me…not Darren, not my friends who came over shortly thereafter. I went to bed still thinking that my grandpa would recover, but sadly got the call that I could never have been ready for. My sweet grandmother called me at 12:30 am to tell me that they removed the tubes from my grandpa. As crazy as this sounds, I still thought or hoped that he would recover, that he would breathe on his own. Then. 1:00am. Another phone call. My grandmother sweetly told me “he’s gone.” I was quiet for a while as I sat up in my bed in the dark. I could not fathom this life. This life without my grandpa in it, without his hugs, without his chuckling, without his stories about the war, without him telling me how proud he was of me, without him even knowing that I was about to take a new job- my dream job, without him knowing my sweet children. I sobbed as it started to become a reality. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Then came the funeral, putting on brave face for my grandmother, mother, aunt and cousins while they grieved and just trying to get through it, all the while feeling a mountain of guilt for not seeing him enough during the months prior. Regret that my children would never know him. I think that has really been the hardest. I wanted my babies to know him. I wanted him to see me as a mommy, the job that I desire the most right now. So, it has been awhile…..almost 4 months and my heart still hurts. I don’t tell anyone because I feel like I should be over this by now. But, I am crying as I type this. I cried at a restaurant when I saw a family with their grandpa, I cried during a Pixar movie, I cried while running down my street one morning when I saw a car that had hit some other cars on our street. I remembered my grandpa running into the neighbor’s house with his car when he had a stroke and he was so embarrassed about it. I tear up when I think that I will never hear his chuckle again. His whole body would move up and down when he laughed. I want to hug him again. I want to hear him say how proud he is of me with this new job. I want to hear him tell silly jokes at the dinner table. He was not perfect, but was an amazing man, an orphan growing up, a World War II veteran who loved all of us so much. He even used to rummage through dumpsters, alley ways and sidewalks to collect aluminum cans so that he could split the recycling money between me and my three cousins every Christmas. Great memories. I desperately want my heart to move past this. I am tired of holding it all in and not sharing this with anyone because I feel like I should be over this already, thus this blog entry. I blame myself that my children will not get to know him. Freedom from blame–and this of ALL my hopes.

So far I heart this week. After an amazing YL committee retreat this weekend, club on Monday night, signing up for some fun stuff that I will have to disclose in future blog posts come March, and hanging out with good friends til midnight….I’m tired, but my heart is full.

And, here are some more things I heart…….I heart my Converse!

And…..I heart crepes and France!

When I moved to Florida in 10th grade, I was forced to make a choice. Was I going to be a Florida State Seminoles fan or a Florida Gator? Well, after much deliberation, I chose to be a Florida Gator. After all, if I hadn’t already committed to go to Baylor since I was 6, I would have gone to UF. It was the cool place to be and is a great school. And, most of my close friends from high school went there. I have been to several games in Gainesville and I love the Gators. I would love the Bears too if we actually had a football team–maybe this next year will be Baylor’s year! We shall see. In the meantime, I am a flip-flop wearin’, beach lovin’ Florida girl who has found myself living in Texas and married to an adorable Okie, but I will nonetheless be cheering on the Gators tonight. I hope they crush those annoying Boomer Sooners! Go Gators!!! (insert Gator Chomp).

I am officially obsessed with the Twilight book series. I stayed up until midnight to finish the second book, New Moon, and I had a 6am run that I had to be up for this morning. I am now on to the third of the four books in the series. All of the novels are at least 600 pages, but I still can’t stop reading them. Maybe I am actually addicted because I am trying to draw this reading out as long as I can. I will truly miss the characters and the story when I am done with the book. I have a problem and apparently I am not the only one from the many texts and comments that I have been getting from my friends and random people on facebook who are also obsessed. I have never become so enmeshed in a novel before. Fantastic story. Amazing writer. Wow. That’s all.

With this weather, I would rather be frolicking around my other country.
Here….

with a stop here….

but, I am in a 16th floor office suite in Dallas. Sigh.

We had an awesome and relaxing Christmas in the Tennessee woods with the fam, and we had an amazing New Year’s Eve with some of my bestest friends. In fact, I had one of my best NYE’s yet! For the first time, I went out and celebrated with 200 other strangers!!!! I will post pics soon! We had a little pre-party at our house and then headed out to Black Finn in Addison. Mike Ford and his fabulous lady friend, Morgan, came in from Chicago and stayed with us Tuesday and Wednesday nights and we had so much fun….not to mention that she passed D’s approval test…haha. Or he passed hers. Either way, we LOVE Morgan! Ralph and Kristi also came as well as my besties Lindsey and Stephen. And, Rob, Curtis, lil’ bro Jarrett and Anna made a guest appearance at our pre-party! I will post pictures soon. We made ’smores in our backyard during the little pre-party! Yeah! Then, we danced the night away and people-watched at Black Finn. We finally went to bed at 4AM after taking a little trip by Whataburger at 3. What were we thinking?? The next day, we chilled with Mike, Morgan and Stephen and caught up on Project Runway…thanks to Morgan! Fun was had by all. Next New Year’s Eve—-Destination: CHICAGO!

After eating some yummy black-eyed-peas with D and Stephen last night with cornbread, of course….I am left saying goodbye to my favorite season, Autumn. I love Fall. I love the changing leaves, harvest moon and the beginning of white twinkle lights everywhere. But, alas, it’s over and winter is upon us. So, now my loves will shift to scarves that smell like incense, black tights, boots, wool pea coats, white hot chocolate, ear warmers, cozy blankets and running in spandex.

This New Year, I resolve to finally start a Book Club with my Friends, after months of talking about it with them. And, I want to meet around this fire-

And, I will bake more like I did when I lived in France and learn how to make homemade apple sauce. I know, it may sound strange, but I LOVE all kinds of apples and have always wanted to (1) go to an apple festival in the northeast and (2) make my own apple sauce and store it in mason jars. So, there you go. Here is a fun apple pic I love too-

New blog, fresh links on the right and nouveaux pics coming soon……..and maybe even a video if I get brave. I got a new computer for Christmas and it has a camera unlike my trusty old dell.

But, first I have to finish the second Twilight book, New Moon. On page 137 and it only has 600 pages. I’ll be back tomorrow.